i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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