oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
