i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
