woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
