I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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