the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
