Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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