i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
