So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
