every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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