My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
