I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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