Swine flu is the new snow day.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
