I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
im on a boat
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