I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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