Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
