I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
