at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
