Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
