I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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