And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
