Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
As shirtless as possible
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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