forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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