My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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