I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
