I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
