good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
