you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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