The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize