Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
