I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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