stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
