why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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