She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
