i was born a porn star she said
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Randomize
