I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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