i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I could make wine with my vomit
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
