I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
