when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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