I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
