Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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