I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i need an iv and a liver transplant
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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