No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
