I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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