Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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