R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
