genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
