i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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