I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
