Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We left an ass print on the piano.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
