Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
