He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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