I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
