I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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