Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
