My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
